The Long and Distinguished Career of Sarah Palin

When John McCain named Sarah Palin as his running mate, the response of the majority of Americans was, “who the hell is Sarah Palin?” This is because, unlike me, most Americans are ignorant swine who don’t keep running tabs on the ever-important world of Alaskan state politics. I was a beat writer for 7 years at an ill-fated Alaskan weekly, The Anchorage Post-Gazette-News-Chronicle and it’s sister paper, Nothing But Snowshoes, which was a tasteful gentleman’s publication showcasing the finest ladies of the great white north. Let me tell you that the public’s lack of knowledge about Governor Palin and the media’s depiction of her as lacking in experience are travesties of immense scope. To rectify these gross misconceptions, I am here to list off the myriad reasons that Sarah Palin is the most highly qualified vice presidential nominee in the modern era.

- A Proven Leader: Sarah Palin was the point guard for the women’s basketball team at Wasilla High School in the Alaskan town of the same name. Her ferocious style of play led her to be nicknamed, “Sarah Barracuda,” which, in the rough and tumble world of the Matanuska-Susitna Borough School District, is saying a lot. As point guard, she led her team’s offensive set plays and was responsible for leading the team’s training program based loosely on the workout montage from Rocky IV.

- A Classy Broad: In 1984, Palin won the Miss Wasilla Beauty Contest and placed 2nd in the Miss Alaska pageant, winning the Miss Congeniality award in the process. Yeah, that’s right. Miss Congeniality. That means Miss “agreeable, suitable, or pleasing in nature or character.” What better way to promote the ideals of modern-day feminism and gender equality than by going along with everything your male superior says in a courteous manner? Also, finishing 2nd in Miss Alaska means a smoking hottie for a VP, which we haven’t had since Dan Quayle. Damn, was that boy dreamy.

- A Commanding Presence: After the Kennedy-Nixon debates were televised nationwide, the presidential race has been as much about poise and composure as policy. Well, Sarah Palin already has her stage chops thanks to her brief stint as a sports broadcaster for Anchorage’s NBC affiliate, KTUU. You think it’s difficult being in a vice presidential debate against Joe Biden in front of millions of Americans? Try reading the prompter for highlights from that afternoon’s Mets-Dodgers spring training game. Do you know how hard it is to just rattle off names like “Orel Hershiser” and “Lenny Dykstra” without tripping over yourself? Leading the Senate should be a cakewalk.

Who needs experience when you can have fabulous?

- Experience, Experience, and more Experience: Palin began her by winning a seat on the Wasilla City Council in 1992 and never looked back. By 1996 she was the Mayor of Wasilla. Does it matter that the city of Wasilla only has 7,000 people and that being elected mayor there is equivalent to being the mayor of less than one-eighth of the student body at The Ohio State University? No. No it doesn’t and if your say otherwise you’re a misogynist prick who hates small town America. Palin also served on the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission, and was elected Governor of Alaska in 2006. She’s been governor of the 47th least populous state in the union for one and a half years, which means she’s more than ready to be vice president of America. So what if fellow Republican and Alaskan state senate leader Lyda Green said that, “She’s not prepared to be governor. How can she be prepared to be vice president or president? Look at what she’s done to this state. What would she do to the nation?” That bitch is just jealous.

Now, I hope it is obvious that Sarah Palin is as qualified a vice presidential nominee as you could ask for. And with a 72-year old man with an 800-page medical record vying for the presidency, having an experienced second-in-command to take the reins if he were to fall ill or pass away isn’t terribly important. Besides, Palin is a total MILF. I mean, you could totally bounce a quarter off that ass, which is the main quality I look for first in a vice president. That’s why I voted Nixon/Agnew in ’68.

Not so Simple Jack

Upon first seeing the trailer for the film Tropic Thunder, the prevailing thought that swam around in my head was something along the lines of, “What in the name of Al Jolson is Robert Downey Jr. doing in blackface!” This sentiment was quickly followed by thoughts of how the NAACP and other African-American rights groups would attempt to have Downey Jr. ceremonially drawn and quartered on Hollywood and Vine. But an odd thing happened on the road to politically correct outrage.

It looks as though the African-American community and various advocacy groups got a sense of humor. They seem to grasp that the idea of Robert Downey Jr. playing an Australian method actor in a movie, who in turn is playing a farcical black man who is part Uncle Remus and part Dolemite in the movie-within-the-movie, is in fact satire. It doesn’t hurt that Downey Jr. has the chops to pull something like this off or that there is a legitimately African-American character, played by Brandon T. Jackson, there to tell Downey Jr. how fucking moronic he’s being, but it seems as though audiences are able to grasp the idea that Downey Jr.’s blackface is simply a vehicle for mocking the absurdities of method acting. Examples that come immediately to mind are Christian Bale dropping from a healthy 185 lbs. to an anemic 122 lbs. for his role in The Machinist or Daniel Day-Lewis refusing to break character and leave his wheelchair when playing the severely paralyzed Christy Brown in My Left Foot.

However, another character in Tropic Thunder managed to provoke the ire of advocacy groups across the country. Ben Stiller’s character in the film, Tugg Speedman, is an action movie star whose popularity has begun to wane. Before embarking on the absurd movie-within-a-movie around which Tropic Thunder’s plot centers, Hellzapoppin’ Apocalypse Now, Stiller’s character tried to garner an Oscar nomination by playing a mentally disabled man named Simple Jack in a film of the same name (It’s tagline is “Once there was a retard”). In the film, Simple Jack was a failure for Stiller as Tugg Speedman and in real life Simple Jack has become a problem for Stiller as director/actor.

Offensive? Probably... Pickett-worthy? Not-so-much.

Dozens of groups that support the rights of the mentally disabled have been picketing Tropic Thunder for Stiller’s portrayal of Simple Jack and for the film’s liberal usage of the word “retard,” which is thrown around 17 times during the movie. Groups ranging from the Special Olympics to the American Association of People with Disabilities were out to protest this past Monday at the film’s L.A. premiere. The protesters held up signs reading things like, “We have abilities, not disabilities” and “We are people first,” while many of the organizations are calling on the public to boycott the movie.

Before I get to the movie, I have to take umbrage with one of the signs that the protestors were holding. A mentally disabled person saying, “We have abilities, not disabilities” is just ignorant. I truly believe that the mentally disabled community is a vibrant and productive pocket of our society. That being said, the word is part of what your condition is now officially called and is in the title of your largest activist group. You are mentally disabled, thus you have mental disabilities. It would be like a paraplegic man saying, “I have enough upper body strength to crush your head like a honeydew, not the inability to use my legs.” Just because the former is true, it doesn’t mean the latter must be true as well.

That said, I think that the mentally disabled community’s outrage is a little misplaced. Granted, I have yet to see Tropic Thunder because it won’t be released until August 15th and I’m not exactly in a position to nab tickets to any early premieres, but from all of the reviews of the film that I have read so far, it doesn’’t appear to be targeting the mentally disabled community at all. The crux of the argument behind Simple Jack is that the Academy will deliver an Oscar on a silver platter to any actor that “has the courage” to play a mentally disabled character. By my count, 13 actors playing characters who were either mentally or physically disabled have been nominated for the best actor Oscar in the past twenty years. Of those fifteen, eight came home with the Oscar, including 2 mentally disabled characters: Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man and Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump.

There is a legitimate complaint to be lodged against the academy for fawning over actors portrayals of the mentally disabled like tweeners lusting after Zac Efron (hey, I’m hip with the kiddies……I read Tiger Beat). They gave Sean Penn a best actor nomination for I Am Sam for Christsakes. Did you see that movie? It was a Hallmark Channel made-for-TV movie with A-list actors and a big budget. This type of behavior is patronizing towards the mentally disabled because it implies that they are such a sub-class of human being that simply doing a convincing job acting like one in a movie is worthy of an Academy Award.

The usage of the word “retard” in Tropic Thunder could have been insensitive—I don’t know. What I do know is that the mentally disabled community is not the target of these jokes in the same way Robert Downey Jr.’s “skin pigmentation” isn’t a jab at African-Americans. All I’m saying is that the next time some actor wins an academy award for playing someone with a severe learning disorder or down syndrome, the mentally disabled community should take a long look at itself and try to see whether picketing a satirical war-comedy is really that important.