Here is This Week in What the Fuck for the 3rd week of July, 2008:
• Bust out your hairspray: VH1, the network that seems to be vying with MTV for the title of “least culturally redeeming network” just gave the green light to Rock of Love 3 starring the ever-so-dated and syphilitic Bret Michaels. If you’re keeping count at home, the tally of reality unerotica shows on VH1 is up to 9, with three seasons of Flavor Flav tossing clocks and cock in the faces of fame-starved hussies, two seasons of the trashtastic Flavor of Love reject New York getting her toes hoovered, three seasons of an aging hair metal rocker using cable TV to get groupie love from women born after Poison stopped being relevant, and the refreshingly frank I Love Money, which contains a hodgepodge of sex-crazed rejects from the previous eight shows and is guaranteed to be at least mildly revolting. In somewhat related news, the stock of pharmaceutical giant GlaxoSmithKline, manufacturers of the Herpes management drug Valtrex, jumped up 15 points today.
• Honky Cream: In keeping with their trend of naming Ice Cream flavors after past-their-prime rock stars, Ben & Jerry’s has created “Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road” in honor of Sir Elton John. The limited edition flavor, with its mix of chocolate ice cream, peanut butter cookie dough, white chocolate chunks, and some toffee-like substance called “butter brickle,” will donate all proceeds to the Elton John AIDS Foundation. As far as new partnerships for Ben & Jerry’s, here are some of the new flavors in the works:
- Milli Vanilli Swirl: Chocolate ice cream with vanilla swirls and little bits of chocolate in the shape of cassette tapes and dreadlocked heads. All proceeds would go to the “Ashley Simpson School of Lip Sync Design and Bad Dancing.”
- Sweet Berry James: This new flavor is a unique blend of fresh strawberries, peaches, marshmallow, and James Taylor’s own tears. Any proceeds from this product will go to the first douchebag we find playing an acoustic guitar underneath a tree and telling girls about how much he’s grown as a person
- Zappa Zappa Ripple: We don’t really know what the hell’s in this ice cream. Frank Zappa just locked himself in our factory for a month and came out with a pint of something that was warm and smelled like Head & Shoulders. That was 17 years ago. We still haven’t sold any pints, but we’re too afraid to touch it.
• What’s in a name? In news of the entirely expected, Andy Dick was arrested yesterday. But, pray tell, what for? At about 1:00 in the morning, a very intoxicated Mr. Dick proceeded to urinate outside the bar of a Buffalo Wild Wings, following this performance by yanking the tank top and bra off of a 17-year old girl and fleeing to the parking lot of a Sam’s Club. Police found Dick, “extremely intoxicated” and with weed and Xanax in his pants. 
They then escorted him to the station where they took this picture, which is sure to go down in the Celebrity Mug Shot Hall of Fame beside photos of Nick Nolte, Rip Torn, and any picture ever taken of Gary Busey. Now, if that picture doesn’t scream sexual predator, then I just don’t know what does. At the very least these charges should keep Dick off of the streets, and more importantly off cable television, for some time.
• Extreme Makeover: Recession Edition: Today over 2,500 people showed up to the unveiling of a newly built home in West Chester for the ABC show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. People began showing up as early as 6:30 in the morning for the opportunity to yell the show’s tagline, “Move that bus!” at the home’s unveiling at 12:30 in the afternoon, thus proving unequivocally that there is nothing to do in West Chester. Sadly, the new owners of the house will have no neighbors as everybody else on their street took out sub-prime loans and had their houses foreclosed.
That’s all for This Week in What the Fuck. I leave you with an excerpt from a textbook used to teach 1st graders in Saudi Arabia:
“Fill in the blanks with the appropriate words—(Islam, hellfire)_’Every religion other than ____ is false. Whoever dies outside of Islam enters ____.’”
