Here are just a few of the things this week that make me want to rip out my entrails and lash my backside with them to distract myself from the intense throbbing in my head.
• 50 gets medieval on the Middle East….virtually: Apparently 50 Cent isn’t content to just chill out with Timbaland, smoking blunts, cutting shitty rap albums, making wretched movies and promoting Vitamin Water. The man has decided to pursue a career in the world of video games as well. Granted, this shouldn’t be a surprise as he has already released one game in 2005, 50 Cent: Bulletproof, but at least that was set in New York. This new offering will take place in the Middle East. The plot of the game centers around 50 Cent doing a concert in a “fictional Middle Eastern setting,” where he and his G-Unit group don’t get paid in cash for the gig. Instead of monetary payment, the promoter gives 50 a diamond-encrusted skull, which is promptly stolen in an ambush, leading 50 and his G-Unit crew to go on a shooting spree, killing Arabs left and right to find the skull.
Let me just bypass the obvious racist and xenophobic themes infesting this premise because, quite frankly, discussing American antipathy towards Arabs is a little old hat. My main question is, “what the shit is 50 Cent doing putting on a show in a war-torn Arab country?” The only place that anyone famous ever goes in the Middle East to do a concert is Dubai and no one in Dubai would EVER stiff you if you’re wealthy. The second your plane lands you are instantly greeted by three buxom Persian “masseuses”, a bottle of Dom Perignon, a hotel suite, and your own private island. They may give you a diamond encrusted skull just because they have one laying around and it would be a nice gesture, but they certainly wouldn’t ambush you for it. I would suggest that 50 was doing a U.S.O. show in Iraq or Afghanistan, but Uncle Sam doesn’t pay you for those. 50 don’t do charity events.
I also have some suggestions for in-game content to spice things up a little. First, I think that 50 cent should use his body as a gun. Since the man has been shot 9 times and presumably still has some bullet bits riddling his body, he should just be able to shoot those things out of his body to kill a terrorist or two. If he ever runs out of body bullets, he can just eat some ammo to reload. Also, for a nice cross-promotion deal there should be bottles of Vitamin Water Formula 50 lying around that he can drink to restore his health. Of course, his enemies wouldn’t be able to drink it because they are terrorists who, as we well know, are deathly allergic to the wonders of capitalist enterprise and Coca-Cola products. Finally, I think the end game boss should be Osama Bin Laden, whom 50 Cent can only kill by defeating him in a freestyle battle broadcast live on Al-Jazeera.
• Bra Bats: You heard me…Bra Bats. A nineteen year-old woman in Norwich, England felt a vibrating sensation on one of her breasts, but thought that it was just her cell phone vibrating in her jacket pocket. When she decided to investigate the matter further, a full five hours later, she discovered a baby bat nestled in the padding of her bra. How could you go this long without realizing that you have a tiny mammal on your teet? Well, the woman wears a size 34FF bra, so I suppose the bat just had a lot of room to hide. The woman said that the bat, “looked cozy and comfortable” and that she, “was sorry for disturbing it.” Although this whole matter is a bit unsettling, I am quite certain that MTV will turn the idea into a hidden-camera reality show where male contestants vie for the affections of a woman, woo her into the back of a party bus and then get ambushed by a flock of bra creatures when they try to sleep with her. Tila Tequila is seeing how many bisexual fruit bats she can fit down her shirt as we speak.
• Finally, at the crossroads of politics and prostitution lies a TV deal: Ashley Dupre, the call girl who oh-so-lovingly ended Ex-New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s political career, has abandoned her dream of being a hussy-for-hire turned musician for her other dream of being a whore turned reality TV show star, which is a tad redundant. She is teamed up with the production house Reveille to pitch a show that, according to a close source, “is the story of a woman who is desperately seeking a second chance, and is willing to put her life under the microscope on national TV to try to redeem herself.” Clearly a reality TV show is the best way to redeem yourself in the eyes of the public. Just look at the immense respect that we as a nation now feel for Flavor Flav, New York, the bitch who spit in New York’s face, and that creepy Italian guy who tried to sleep with Tila Tequila, got rejected, but eventually got his own reality TV show complete with tons of hanging meat and a discothèque that he could invite sluts to. I’m sure Ms. Dupre will be vindicated in no time.
