Change That Ain’t Gonna Happen

Like Roger Daltrey, I would like to talk about my generation, but I’m going to do so in far less communitarian terms and without any melody. I am quite often ashamed of my generation, and with good reason. We are the generation of the seven-minute attention span. We are the generation of instant-gratification, broadband internet, and instant messaging. We are the ego-massagers, the trend-worshippers, and the parental basement dwellers. We are the byproduct of reality TV, MySpace and Napster. We know how to type 100 words per minute, but we misspell about half of them. We are a generation dreadfully ignorant of the past and terribly optimistic about the future. We are overeducated, under-utilized, and we have no identity.

The vitriolic diatribe against my peers that you just read is the byproduct of the candidacy of Barack Obama and my generation’s reaction to it. Now, let me just say before I go any further, that I in no way, shape, or form endorse anything about John McCain’s presidential campaign aside from the unintentional comedy quotient generated by it, which is approaching Dukakis-like levels of hilarity. I am not a Republican, nor am I a Democrat, Libertarian, Green Party Member, or Dixiecrat. However, just because I think McCain is a hobbling, bumbling, geriatric time bomb does not mean I cannot still be slightly nauseated by the Hale-Bop-like fervor generated in college-age kids by Obama.

I don’t hate Obama for what he is or for what he stands for. His policies regarding every aspect of domestic and foreign affairs are much more palatable than those of The Shrub (a moniker W. picked up and somehow shrugged off during the 2000 primaries) or McCain. He’s heading in the right direction on everything from healthcare to the war in Iraq to education, but he’s only heading there. What my generation seems to have forgotten is that this man is a politician, a class of people only a notch above lawyers, hedge fund managers, and date rapists. And yet, my peers eat up every word he says like it was manna from heaven, not taking the time to question whether his rhetoric is simply rhetoric or if it is even feasible.

Obama’s trademark slogans, “Change you can believe in,” “The Audacity of Hope,” and “Yes we can,” are at the heart of my distaste for his followers. They are bite sized and just what the doctor ordered for a generation of kids raised on eight minutes then a commercial break and ideologies that fit on a bumper sticker. We, and I include myself deliberately in this statement, want so badly to believe that there is some sort of objective goodness in the world that we tend to conveniently misremember facts or not search for them in the first place.

I was an Obama-ite early in the primary season. The man is young, vibrant, black, and a brilliant orator. The idea of not only getting Bush out of the White House, but replacing him with a historic African-American candidate who could keep jam-packed arenas on the edge of their seats with his speeches seemed almost magical. I remember listening to his speech after the South Carolina primary in my car and thinking to myself, “he sounds like Martin Luther King.”

I wish that I could say Glow-Bama was satire...

I wish that I could say Glow-Bama was satire...


However, as the weeks passed on, his speeches remained the same, delivered like an actor playing in a Sunday matinee of a play’s 4th month on Broadway. It was all style with a substance chaser. He never spelled out any of his actual plans for aiding the failing economy, instituting universal health care, or getting out of Iraq. He simply uttered platitude after platitude as his audiences ate it up. As the primaries ended and he moved on the presidential campaign, I saw him make the inevitable move to the center. He approved letting the phone companies off the hook for wiretapping, said he would have troops out of Iraq in 16 months rather than right away, and supported the repeal of gun control laws in D.C.

All of this happened and my generation is still as giddy for Obama as they ever were, fawning over him like a bunch of teenage girls at Shea Stadium in ’65 with Fab Four fever. This is why I am depressed, discouraged, and ashamed for my fellow Generation Y-ers. They have no depth. They don’t want any depth. We were born post-Watergate and grew up led by one president who was a egotist and a pathological liar about his private life and another president who was foolhardy, ignorant, and wholly incompetent. My generation latched onto Obama like a parasite because we needed something to believe in and we didn’t care much what the validity of that something was.

My ranting and raving aside, I am still going to vote for Obama come November. If you give a man a choice between starving or eating table scraps, you’d be a damn fool not to take the gristle that falls off the table. What I worry about are those in my generation who believe that Obama truly is some sort of secular savior. That the country will radically change for the better if he reaches office. The history of presidential elections is one of false promises and accommodation. Woodrow Wilson promised the nation that we wouldn’t enter World War I. FDR promised us in 1940 that we wouldn’t enter World War II. Richard Nixon promised in 1968 that “new leadership will end the war” in Vietnam. George H.W. Bush told us to read his lips: ”no new taxes.” To believe that Obama is any different than these men is an exercise in naivete and masochism.

We are forty years removed from the Summer of Love and a political climate unlike anything in our nation’s history. There was a counterculture back then as opposed to the fragmented, commercialized excuse for a counterculture we have today. If there is anyone from my generation who is laboring under the misapprehension that there will be change with Obama in 2008 like there was in ’68, I implore you to consider this. The Democratic candidate for president in ’68 was Hubert H. Humphrey. The counterculture showed its overwhelming support for Humphrey by rioting at the Democratic National Convention. Their change they could believe in was anti-establishment, grassroots change that was practiced not orated. Change never comes from within a government. Its always comes from without and it doesn’t come easily. When Obama delivers his State of the Union Address three years from now promising the same things he is today, my generation will realize they blew their wad on the wrong guy.

Side Effects May Exclude Sex

In a very widely marketed ad for the anti-depressant Zoloft, a melancholy, yet adorable, anthropomorphized cartoon egg is stuck underneath a rain cloud. A voiceover laments that:

“You know when you feel the weight of sadness. You may feel exhausted, hopeless and anxious. Whatever you do, you feel lonely and don’t enjoy the things you once loved. Things just don’t feel like they used to. These are some symptoms of depression.”

The voiceover than goes on to explain that Zoloft can help, turning the morose egg into a joyous egg that bounces about the screen like all the other chemically balanced eggs. However, while the egg is frolicking on his Zoloft high, the voiceover man takes about 10 seconds to describe the side effects of Zoloft in little detail. What are these side effects, you ask? They’re nothing to write home about. It’s just that you may experience nausea, insomnia, diarrhea, drowsiness, dizziness, dry mouth, tremors, Akathisia (an inability to sit still or remain motionless), increased risk of birth defects if taken while pregnant, increased suicidal tendencies in people under 25, and the piece de resistance, a general sexual dysfunction which can manifest itself in the form of decreased libido, sexual arousal disorder (the inability of women to become lubricated and men to get wood) and orgasm dysfunction. Well, shucks, that’s enough to make someone, I don’t know, depressed.

The Zoloft Egg used to have an active sex life. Now it looks at butterflies

The Zoloft Egg used to have an active sex life. Now it looks at butterflies

It’s a bit of a catch-22 when it comes to anti-depressants. Neurologically speaking, they do increase the amount of serotonin and norepinephrine in your system, which is thought to stabilize one’s mood. However, once you take this medication you might spend your days on the toilet, feeling like you’re going to chunder, drinking unhealthy amounts of water to get rid of your cotton mouth, and finding yourself unable to have sex because the only way you can become erect is to wrap a splint around your cock. Now for men, there is, and has for quite some time, been a logical solution to relieving the depression of one’s sexual organs: take more drugs. Just pop a couple of Viagra and you’re good to go. However, there is the little caveat of having an unwanted boner for about 3 hours post-coitus, which would leave you under voluntary house arrest if you’re not comfortable walking around your local IGA with a raging hard-on showing through your slacks.

On the other hand, women who take anti-depressants have been left to suffer from sexual malaise while their male counterparts prance about the apartment, seeing how many coat hangers they can fit on their erection, which, for your information, is totally normal and in no way perverted or distressing as my girlfriend and my therapist claim. But now women too have the ability to offset the sexual side effects of anti-depressants with…Viagra.

How physicians and researchers discovered this gem of a cure is truly beyond me. The idea that a drug that cures male impotence would work with female impotence is so far-fetched that you’d have to be a true pharmacological visionary to come up with it. According to a study published today in the Journal of the American Medical Association regarding women experiencing sexual dysfunction due to anti-depressants, three times as many women taking Viagra had orgasms compared with women who were given a placebo.

Huzzah! Men and women are now cured of at least one of the side effects of anti-depression medications so that the drugs can work as they were intended to. Oh, hold on. It appears Viagra has its share of side effects too. The quicker, picker upper can cause sneezing, headache, flushing (redness of the skin), dyspepsia, palpitations, increased sensitivity to light, and, in rare cases, priapism (the never-ending hard-on), heart attack, severe hypotension, ventricular arrythmias and stroke. So, if you take some Afrin, a couple Advil, go to a dermatologist, down some Pepto Bismol, wear light clothing, stay in darkened areas, and have no history of heart problems, then you’re good to go, depending on the side effects of all the medicine you just took.

Crocodile Rocky Road, Dick Being Dick, and more…

Here is This Week in What the Fuck for the 3rd week of July, 2008:

Bust out your hairspray: VH1, the network that seems to be vying with MTV for the title of “least culturally redeeming network” just gave the green light to Rock of Love 3 starring the ever-so-dated and syphilitic Bret Michaels. If you’re keeping count at home, the tally of reality unerotica shows on VH1 is up to 9, with three seasons of Flavor Flav tossing clocks and cock in the faces of fame-starved hussies, two seasons of the trashtastic Flavor of Love reject New York getting her toes hoovered, three seasons of an aging hair metal rocker using cable TV to get groupie love from women born after Poison stopped being relevant, and the refreshingly frank I Love Money, which contains a hodgepodge of sex-crazed rejects from the previous eight shows and is guaranteed to be at least mildly revolting. In somewhat related news, the stock of pharmaceutical giant GlaxoSmithKline, manufacturers of the Herpes management drug Valtrex, jumped up 15 points today.

Honky Cream: In keeping with their trend of naming Ice Cream flavors after past-their-prime rock stars, Ben & Jerry’s has created “Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road” in honor of Sir Elton John. The limited edition flavor, with its mix of chocolate ice cream, peanut butter cookie dough, white chocolate chunks, and some toffee-like substance called “butter brickle,” will donate all proceeds to the Elton John AIDS Foundation. As far as new partnerships for Ben & Jerry’s, here are some of the new flavors in the works:

- Milli Vanilli Swirl: Chocolate ice cream with vanilla swirls and little bits of chocolate in the shape of cassette tapes and dreadlocked heads. All proceeds would go to the “Ashley Simpson School of Lip Sync Design and Bad Dancing.”

- Sweet Berry James: This new flavor is a unique blend of fresh strawberries, peaches, marshmallow, and James Taylor’s own tears. Any proceeds from this product will go to the first douchebag we find playing an acoustic guitar underneath a tree and telling girls about how much he’s grown as a person

- Zappa Zappa Ripple: We don’t really know what the hell’s in this ice cream. Frank Zappa just locked himself in our factory for a month and came out with a pint of something that was warm and smelled like Head & Shoulders. That was 17 years ago. We still haven’t sold any pints, but we’re too afraid to touch it.

What’s in a name? In news of the entirely expected, Andy Dick was arrested yesterday. But, pray tell, what for? At about 1:00 in the morning, a very intoxicated Mr. Dick proceeded to urinate outside the bar of a Buffalo Wild Wings, following this performance by yanking the tank top and bra off of a 17-year old girl and fleeing to the parking lot of a Sam’s Club. Police found Dick, “extremely intoxicated” and with weed and Xanax in his pants. They then escorted him to the station where they took this picture, which is sure to go down in the Celebrity Mug Shot Hall of Fame beside photos of Nick Nolte, Rip Torn, and any picture ever taken of Gary Busey. Now, if that picture doesn’t scream sexual predator, then I just don’t know what does. At the very least these charges should keep Dick off of the streets, and more importantly off cable television, for some time.

Extreme Makeover: Recession Edition: Today over 2,500 people showed up to the unveiling of a newly built home in West Chester for the ABC show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. People began showing up as early as 6:30 in the morning for the opportunity to yell the show’s tagline, “Move that bus!” at the home’s unveiling at 12:30 in the afternoon, thus proving unequivocally that there is nothing to do in West Chester. Sadly, the new owners of the house will have no neighbors as everybody else on their street took out sub-prime loans and had their houses foreclosed.

That’s all for This Week in What the Fuck. I leave you with an excerpt from a textbook used to teach 1st graders in Saudi Arabia:

“Fill in the blanks with the appropriate words—(Islam, hellfire)_’Every religion other than ____ is false. Whoever dies outside of Islam enters ____.’”

The Week in “What The Fuck?!”

Here are just a few of the things this week that make me want to rip out my entrails and lash my backside with them to distract myself from the intense throbbing in my head.

• 50 gets medieval on the Middle East….virtually: Apparently 50 Cent isn’t content to just chill out with Timbaland, smoking blunts, cutting shitty rap albums, making wretched movies and promoting Vitamin Water. The man has decided to pursue a career in the world of video games as well. Granted, this shouldn’t be a surprise as he has already released one game in 2005, 50 Cent: Bulletproof, but at least that was set in New York. This new offering will take place in the Middle East. The plot of the game centers around 50 Cent doing a concert in a “fictional Middle Eastern setting,” where he and his G-Unit group don’t get paid in cash for the gig. Instead of monetary payment, the promoter gives 50 a diamond-encrusted skull, which is promptly stolen in an ambush, leading 50 and his G-Unit crew to go on a shooting spree, killing Arabs left and right to find the skull.

Let me just bypass the obvious racist and xenophobic themes infesting this premise because, quite frankly, discussing American antipathy towards Arabs is a little old hat. My main question is, “what the shit is 50 Cent doing putting on a show in a war-torn Arab country?” The only place that anyone famous ever goes in the Middle East to do a concert is Dubai and no one in Dubai would EVER stiff you if you’re wealthy. The second your plane lands you are instantly greeted by three buxom Persian “masseuses”, a bottle of Dom Perignon, a hotel suite, and your own private island. They may give you a diamond encrusted skull just because they have one laying around and it would be a nice gesture, but they certainly wouldn’t ambush you for it. I would suggest that 50 was doing a U.S.O. show in Iraq or Afghanistan, but Uncle Sam doesn’t pay you for those. 50 don’t do charity events.

I also have some suggestions for in-game content to spice things up a little. First, I think that 50 cent should use his body as a gun. Since the man has been shot 9 times and presumably still has some bullet bits riddling his body, he should just be able to shoot those things out of his body to kill a terrorist or two. If he ever runs out of body bullets, he can just eat some ammo to reload. Also, for a nice cross-promotion deal there should be bottles of Vitamin Water Formula 50 lying around that he can drink to restore his health. Of course, his enemies wouldn’t be able to drink it because they are terrorists who, as we well know, are deathly allergic to the wonders of capitalist enterprise and Coca-Cola products. Finally, I think the end game boss should be Osama Bin Laden, whom 50 Cent can only kill by defeating him in a freestyle battle broadcast live on Al-Jazeera.

• Bra Bats: You heard me…Bra Bats. A nineteen year-old woman in Norwich, England felt a vibrating sensation on one of her breasts, but thought that it was just her cell phone vibrating in her jacket pocket. When she decided to investigate the matter further, a full five hours later, she discovered a baby bat nestled in the padding of her bra. How could you go this long without realizing that you have a tiny mammal on your teet? Well, the woman wears a size 34FF bra, so I suppose the bat just had a lot of room to hide. The woman said that the bat, “looked cozy and comfortable” and that she, “was sorry for disturbing it.” Although this whole matter is a bit unsettling, I am quite certain that MTV will turn the idea into a hidden-camera reality show where male contestants vie for the affections of a woman, woo her into the back of a party bus and then get ambushed by a flock of bra creatures when they try to sleep with her. Tila Tequila is seeing how many bisexual fruit bats she can fit down her shirt as we speak.

• Finally, at the crossroads of politics and prostitution lies a TV deal: Ashley Dupre, the call girl who oh-so-lovingly ended Ex-New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s political career, has abandoned her dream of being a hussy-for-hire turned musician for her other dream of being a whore turned reality TV show star, which is a tad redundant. She is teamed up with the production house Reveille to pitch a show that, according to a close source, “is the story of a woman who is desperately seeking a second chance, and is willing to put her life under the microscope on national TV to try to redeem herself.” Clearly a reality TV show is the best way to redeem yourself in the eyes of the public. Just look at the immense respect that we as a nation now feel for Flavor Flav, New York, the bitch who spit in New York’s face, and that creepy Italian guy who tried to sleep with Tila Tequila, got rejected, but eventually got his own reality TV show complete with tons of hanging meat and a discothèque that he could invite sluts to. I’m sure Ms. Dupre will be vindicated in no time.

A Fitting Tribute

It is a long-standing tradition in the U.S. that our fearless leaders build their own Presidential Libraries after their time in office is over. These are not libraries in the traditional sense of being repositories of books that people can check out and read, but are instead a vast collection of Presidential documents and historical materials that no one in their right mind would want to check out, even if they were allowed to. The first President to create a library to house his Presidential papers and historical materials was Franklin Delano Roosevelt in 1939 and Presidents have been doing it ever since, in large part because the government foots the bill for these architectural representations of egotism.

The reason that I bring up the Presidential library is that our current Commander-in-Chief will be leaving office soon, which means that in 195 days or so President Bush will be given loads of cash to go out and build his own library. It almost goes without saying that this is a patently silly idea as President Bush is very much opposed to reading documents of any kind and not fond of writing them either. As for his cabinet, they have a tricky little habit of “misplacing” or deleting documents that incriminate them in any wrongdoing, which leaves very little to put into a Presidential library. What we would end up with is a 150,000 square foot library holding about a hundred or so e-mails from Bush to various staff members about how he was going down to Crawford for the weekend and archived video clips of him doing African Tribal Dances on goodwill missions.

An enterprising group of young men and women calling themselves The Presidential Memorial Committee of San Francisco have come up with a rather ingenious solution. They have decided it would only be appropriate to change the name of the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant to The George W Bush Sewage Plant. So far, the group has collected over 12,000 signatures to have the initiative put on the ballot in the Bay Area for this year’s elections. Petition organizer Brian McConnell told reporters that, “In President Bush’s case, we think that we will be cleaning up a substantial mess for the next 10 or 20 years. The sewage treatment facility’s job is to clean up a mess, so we think it’s a fitting tribute.”

This idea of creating unflattering memorials for President Bush to reflect his time in office, while comic in nature, might actually lead to the first productive thing to come out of the Bush presidency, even though it would come after he had left office. I like the Committee’s initiative and sense of irony, but I think they’ve only touched the tip of the memorial iceberg. I propose that we spend the money that would have been used by President Bush on his Presidential library–$165 million based on what Ex-President Clinton spent in 2004–to aide some of the people that he has fucked over in his eight years in office.

Enter The George W. Bush Presidential Library of Casualties. This facility would be the size of a Presidential library, about 150,000 square feet (based again on Ex-President Clinton’s library), and would be used to help every man, woman, and child that was directly hurt by President Bush’s policies. The 2,000+ Homeless Iraq and Afghanistan War Veterans would be housed there. Any Veteran injured, either physically or mentally, in those wars will get treatment there which VA medical centers like Walter Reed failed to provide. And, the countless thousands whose lives were destroyed by Hurricane Katrina and by FEMA’s sheer ineptitude will receive all the monetary reimbursement and proper housing that these funds can provide. The Library of Casualties would use every penny of that $165 million to try and help right the wrongs of the past eight years. President Bush might be upset about the usage of his name on sewage plant, but the fallout from his presidency should be far more embarrassing.