Regarding the Importance of Abstaining from Improper non-conjugal genital relations, or, how best to promote the cessation of the dread “Crotch Rot”
Professor Emeritus Daniel Robeson, Liberty University Press.
As you are surely well aware, there is an immoral sexual epidemic grabbing hold of this nation. This is no longer my father’s America…The so-called “sexual revolution” destroyed that sanctimonious way of life with their bra burning and their free love and their God-forsaken faggotry. It was this outburst of sin and debauchery that would have made the harlots of Sodom and Gomorrah, this opening of the flood gates of un-Christian behavior that has led to the times we live in today. A friend of mine who teaches Creationist Theory at Liberty showed be some alarming statistics from the Center for Disease Control. This study showed that one in four young girls in this nation have a sexually transmitted disease. That means that about 3.2 million girls in the United States are infested with these satanic viruses, and while I’m quite positive that all of these girls are Jews, Muslims, Pagans, and Queers, I feel the pressure they are putting on our moral majority. I can feel the heathens breathing down our necks, banging on the walls of our gated communities, flinging their syphilis and AIDS at us like little globules of corruption and unbelief.
However, my friends, there is hope. There is a way, a way to end this onslaught of hedonism and vice. Seven years ago, our fine and Christian President enacted his Community Based Abstinence Education Program to be taught in all of our nation’s public school’s. For it is well known that the only way to ensure a woman’s purity and grace with the Lord is to have her put her desire in her hope chest at the foot of her bed and to instruct her over and over and over, never to open that chest until she enters into Holy Matrimony. Unfortunately, despite decades of research here at Liberty University, we have found it to be impossible to physically remove the young woman’s vagina for preservation in the hope chest until marriage, and for this we apologize to certain female biology majors who are now barren and have severe gangrene of the nether regions.
While I do agree with the central tenets of the CBAE program, namely the chastising of pre-marital sexual relations, contraceptive use, and the promotion of marital sexual activity being the only appropriate sexual activity, I simply don’t think they have done enough. Our children have not adequately gotten the message that having sex before marriage can and will kill them (the facts bear this point out). And so, in the interest of the preservation of our nation’s Christian youth, I have a few suggestions for the improvement of Abstinence only sex education:
1. Shock Therapy: If you will remember, shock therapy has been clinically proven to be the only effective cure for the sin of faggotry. What I am suggesting may seem radical, but in fact is merely pre-emptive treatment, and I think we can all agree that when it comes to a woman’s chastity, it is better to be safe than a slut in the eyes of God. The boys and girls will (of course) be put into different rooms and will have electroshock pads placed upon their genitals. The pads will go directly onto the boys’ scrotum and will be placed upon the entire surface area of the girls’ vaginas, as I don’t know any of the details of the female genitalia, like any good Christian. In point of fact, I’ve seen my wife’s holy box but once, on our wedding night, and was so appalled that the subsequent two times that we had intercourse I was sure to do so in pitch darkness while closing my eyes and chanting psalms. But, back to the treatment, the boys and girls will be shown clips from particularly sinful and salacious films like Footloose and Bring It On. When the film reaches a particularly steamy section it will switch over to the final scenes from The Passion of The Christ while simultaneously shocking their genitalia. In this way, youth will realize that every time they even think about coitus they are further driving the stakes into the hands of Our Lord and Savior.
2. Photographic Recreation and Chemical Alterations: While I fully endorse the screening of photographs and videos showing the ravages of syphilis, genital warts, and other sexually transmitted diseases on exposed genitals, this act seems a bit too tame to get the point across to today’s youth. This current generation is a product of the digital age and needs interactive material to truly grab its attention. The chemistry department at Liberty University has devised a series of topical creams and chemical compounds that recreate the physical appearance and pain of sexually transmitted diseases. Students will be forced to apply these creams to their own genitals to feel what it would be like if they ever had sex. I imagine that swelling students urethras shut so that it burns with the fire of hell when they pee will sufficiently scare them off of sex until marriage. With the same tactics in mind, I would recommended handing out condoms for the boys in class to try on, but covering them in a rather caustic acid beforehand. This way the boys will think that all prophylactics cause their genitals to catch fire and will never have “protected sex.”
3. Sexual Demonstration: In my opinion, the most underutilized tool in abstinence only education is that of promoted misinformation. If our children don’t know what sex actually is, then they can never actually perform it. In this vein I suggest that all abstinence only sex educations give “sexual demonstrations” to further confuses their adolescent students. I would recommend the teacher bringing in a partner of the opposite sex to illustrate “what sex actually is” in the most unappealing light possible. My own suggestion is to have the man stimulated until his flag is at half-mast (all while still clothed to best of your ability) and then to have the woman repeatedly slam the classroom door on his phallus while he screams out in excruciating pain. If children believe that this act is sex, then they would never actually commit it. An important corollary to this plan is that all pastors would have to present a pamphlet to couples on their wedding night so that they actually had God-approved sex rather than smashing their penis in a door.
Those, for now, are the recommendations I have for Abstinence only sexual education in this country. But, my individual lesson plans and ideas are not important. The crux of the matter is that we instill a system that teaches youth that sex is a wholly destructive, painful, and sinful act that will ruin their entire life. As long as we stay true to this central theme, Abstinence based education cannot fail and can only enrich the soul of this Christian nation.
