Scene 3
About three hours have elapsed since the end of scene 2. Colin is lying down on the couch with a Rolling Rock balanced on his stomach, looking at a copy of Vanity Fair that is about two inches from his face. The only other visible person in the room is Beth, who is passed out in the plastic cooler of Keystone Light, with her body precariously perched like William Howard Taft in the White House’s old bathtub and her limbs are dangling over the sides. Some odd, metallic rustling sounds are coming from behind the bar. Colin lets the Rolling Stone rest on his chest and looks around the room.
Colin: Jess! [pause] Jess! What the hell are you doing?
Jess pops up from behind the bar with an unlit, half smoked cigarette hanging from her lips. She takes the cigarette out of her mouth.
Jess: I’m looking for the shot glasses!
Colin: And why would that be?
Jess: For the shots!
Colin: You need more shots like Friedman needs more weed.
Jess: Oooooo! That’s perfect. We totally need to get some pot. Do ya think Friedman would let us have some?
Colin: That wasn’t my point. Friedman doesn’t need more weed because he’s already smoked so much that he’s only capable of reading at a third grade level. Likewise, you don’t need any more booze because you’re about a shot away from getting intimate with our toilet.
Jess [wobbling towards the back of the couch]: That’s not true. I’m sober as the day I was born.
Colin: Which was?
Jess: Was what?
Colin: What day were you born on?
Jess [triumphantly]: Eleven, Twenty-Seven, Ninety-One.
Colin: Sweet Jesus…You were born in the nineties!
Jess: Yeah?
Colin: God, you were born two years after the fall of the Berlin Wall.
Jess: Yeah, but we studied it in modern European history last year.
Colin: You studied it…
Jess [spotting the shot glasses on the coffee table]: Got ‘em!
Jess hops over the back of the couch couch, landing on Colin’s thighs and almost spilling his beer. She slides off the couch, grabs two shot glasses from the coffee table, and runs over to the bar where she begins to pour the shots.
Jess: Come over here and do a shot with me!
Colin: No more hard liquor for me tonight little lady, but by all means you go ahead…give your gag reflex a nice workout.
Jess: Shut-up Colin…[Jess spills some vodka on top of the bar] AHHHH!!!!!
Colin [popping up from his prone position on the couch]: Jess?! You alright?
Jess [laughing hysterically]: Nooooooo!!!! Vodka flood!
Colin: All that was because you spilled some cheap-ass vodka?
Jess: Don’t call it cheap! You’ll hurt the vodka’s feelings.
Jess bends down and begins licking the spilled vodka off of the table.
Colin [standing up]: What are you doing?
Jess: I’m using my tongue to save any innocent bystanders from dying in the vodka flood.
Colin [walking over to Jess]: I think it’s about time we had a lie-down.
Colin picks up Jess and carries her in his arms over to the couch
Jess: But what about the poor…the poor people in the vodka flood?
Colin: Don’t worry. You did everything you could. Plus, FEMA would have ended up fucking them over anyway,
Colin sits down on the left edge of the couch and props Jess up so that her body is lying diagonally, with her head resting on his shoulder. Slowly, Jess crawls up Colin’s body in an attempt to be sensual, but fails rather miserably, groping much more than gliding. She tries to kiss Colin three times, with Colin reeling his head back away from her mouth each time.
Colin: What’re you doing there kiddo?
Jess [playing with his collar]: I’m gonna kiss you.
Colin: No you’re not.
Jess: What’s the matter? I’m not pretty enough for you?
Colin: No, it’s not that.
Jess [whispering in his ear]: Then why won’t you kiss me?
Colin: Well, for starters, you’re too drunk to know what your doing.
Jess: Oh, I know what I’m doing. And I’m not drunk.
Colin: You were just lapping up vodka off the bar with your tongue.
Jess: I didn’t want to waste it.
Colin: You were babbling about imaginary people dying in a vodka flood.
Jess: That was just a joke.
Colin: Ok, let’s say for the sake of argument that you’re not drunk.
Jess: I’m not drunk.
Colin. I know you’re not, but you are sixteen.
Jess: I’m very mature for my age. I took college courses over the summer at NYU.
Colin: I’m glad you’re so scholastically active, but you’re sixteen and I’m twenty-one. If you kiss me I could spend the next few years making shivs out of toothbrushes in order to protect my anal virginity.
Jess: But I want to kiss you.
Colin: And when I was nine I wanted a one of those mini-Jeep Wrangler 4-x-4’s, but I got over it…actually, I still really want one of those. They even had real walkie-talkies in them so you could talk to your…
Jess grabs Colin by the back of the head and kisses him for about five seconds before letting go of him.
Jess: How was that?
Colin: Surprising and a little illegal.
Jess: So you liked it?
Colin: Yeah, I liked it.
Jess: Good…
Jess lays her head down on Colin’s chest and passes out. Colin looks around for a little while trying to find his beer and wrangles his arm away from underneath Jess to grab it from off of the coffee table. He takes a couple sips from the beer before he hears some noise coming from Luke’s room.
Claire [off-stage]: Get off me!
Luke [off-stage]: Just give me a second.
Claire [off-stage]: I’m leaving!
Luke [off-stage]: You’ll leave when I tell you to leave you stupid bitch!
Claire hops out of Luke’s room, pulling on her jeans with her shoes in her hands while she’s moving. Luke appears in the doorway with a white t-shirt covering his crotch She turns around towards Luke’s door while putting on her shoes.
Claire: You move one step closer to me and I’ll scream rape.
Luke: Fuck you!
Claire: Like you could you impotent prick! [she turns toward Colin] Tell Kirsten I had to go okay?
Colin: Sure.
Claire walks out the door and slams it behind her.
Luke: Fucking bitch!
Colin: What happened there stud?
Luke: You saw it, man. The whore bailed on me.
Colin: Why’d she bail?
Luke: I don’t know. She’s just a fucking cock tease. Never trust a redhead, man.
Colin: Whatever you say, Bruiser.
Luke: Are you calling me a fucking liar?
Colin: What was that “like you could” shit about?
Luke: What are you talking about?
Colin: After you screamed, “fuck you,” she said, “like you could.”
Luke: So?
Colin [after a pause]: I’m just saying it’s not a big deal. A lot of guys have trouble when they’re blitzed out of their skulls. You’re not Bob Dole yet.
Luke: If you’re saying what I think you’re saying I’m gonna stick my fist down your fucking throat.
Colin: Tell me I’m wrong.
Luke: Fuck you! [they’re both silent for a few seconds] Did you fuck Kirsten’s sister?
Colin: Nah, I’m just kinda babysitting.
Luke: Babysitting, huh?
Colin: Only you could turn the word babysitting into innuendo.
Luke: She is lying on top of you.
Colin: She just passed out that way.
Luke: Sure [Luke sees Beth over in the corner]. How long has she been like that?
Colin: Her? I’d say about an hour. She danced around to “Cotton-eye Joe” for a while and then kinda slumped over there in the corner.
Luke: If I take her back to my room, is that rape?
Colin: Yes!
Luke: Isn’t it only rape if the girl says no?
Colin: The girl’s passed out in the beer bucket for fuck’s sake. She couldn’t say no if you asked her if it was okay to stub cigarettes out on her arm.
Luke: So, you’re saying it would be rape?
Colin: Yes!
Luke: Sorry! Didn’t know I touched such a nerve.
Colin: Would you just go into your room and put some fucking pants on!
Luke: Only if you say it.
Colin: Why do you want me to say it? There’s no one to hear it besides you and me.
Luke: Say it or else I drop the shirt.
Colin: Alright, alright…I acknowledge that I, Colin Anthony Hayes, am now and forever Luke’s bitch, and am in awe of his incredibly large cock.
Luke: That’s better… You’re so queer.
Luke walks back to his room. Almost immediately afterwards, Jess begins to gag, looking as if she ‘s going to vomit. Luke props her upright on the couch and reaches for the trashcan by the coffee table. He holds it underneath her mouth.
Colin: Okay, there we go. Just puke it on up. You’re gonna feel a lot better when you do. We’re gonna go walk over to the bathroom, okay? [Jess gives a big dry heave] Or maybe we’ll just stay right here. [Colin grabs her hair and holds it back]. Nice and easy now. Don’t force it or anything. Have you ever drank so much you puked before? [Jess nods her head back and forth] Well, there’s a first time for everything. [Jess lets out another dry heave] That didn’t sound too encouraging. Let me see this for one second. [Colin looks into the trash can and then hands it back to Jess] Fuck. Nothing’s coming up. [turning to Jess] I’m going to go get your sister, okay?
Jess nods her head and Colin heads back to Friedman’s room off-stage. There is the sound of knocking on his door.
Colin: Kirsten! Kirsten!!! Your sister’s dry heaving up a storm out here! You better come out and make sure she gets home alright! [nothing but silence] Kirsten! Friedman! Fuck! [Colin walks back on-stage for a second and heads right back off-stage towards Luke’s room. He knocks on his door] Luke!
Luke [voice only]: What the fuck is it?!
Colin [voice only]: Where’s Friedman and where’s his worthless piece of shit girlfriend?!
Luke [voice only]: I don’t know! I’m not his fucking secretary!
Colin: [Colin walks back on stage and goes to the fridge for a beer] Shit! Who the fuck gets their sixteen year old sister shit faced and then leaves her alone with a bunch of random guys. I’m going to lynch Friedman when he gets back. [He walks back over to the couch and sits down next to Jess, who is still dry heaving] I’m going to call the health center now, ok? [Colin reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cell phone. He stands up and dials the number for the health center, pacing back and forth. While the phone is ringing he takes out a cigarette and begins smoking] Hello? Is this the health center? Good, we have a bit of an emergency over here…Of course I’m sure… Yes it’s serious. If it wasn’t serious then it wouldn’t be a fucking emergency now would it?… Yes, I’ll calm down…Well, we had a little party and…My roommates and I. We live in Scribner Village, Dogwood #3…Anyway, a girl had a bit too much to drink and now she’s dry heaving…for about five minutes…no I don’t know how old she is, I assumed she was twenty-one…Well, we put the “under 21 no drinking” sign by the bar. What more do you want us to do?…No, I can’t verify how old she is…I’m not digging through this girl’s purse! Look, it’s your fucking job to make sure kids don’t die on this campus so get your lazy asses over here before this girl pukes up a lung…No, I will not watch my fucking language! Now, you get over here right now and pump her stomach or give her some ipicack or whatever the fuck it is you do before I have a dead girl in my dorm. Then, when she’s no longer blacked out, you can ask her how fucking old she is!…Alright, fifteen minutes. Fantastic.
[Colin hangs up the phone and sits back down on the couch next to Jess]
Colin: Great party huh? God, all I wanted was to have a few beers and watch some TV by myself, but instead my apartment is filled with hay bales and two unconscious girls. Jess, you need to do me a favor for me, ok? Don’t come to this fucking college. Alright? Just don’t. As a matter of fact, don’t go to college, period. Maybe that’s asking a little too much, but at least take a year off. You’re sixteen for fuck’s sake…You’re sixteen and a senior in high school. You can take a year off and still be younger than half the kids in your freshman class. Go to Europe and take the grand tour or something. Head to Nepal and go on your Razor’s Edge experience in the Himalayas with a bunch of sherpas. Maybe you go to Africa and swat the flies off of malnutritioned babies or build a hospital in Guatemala… What? You don’t want to leave the country? That’s cool. You could live in New York City or Chicago or San Francisco for a year. Get a shitty job at Starbucks or something…no, fuck Starbucks…make sure your shitty job isn’t at a chain. But just go to city and fucking live. If you don’t like cities just take a bus to the middle of Iowa and shuck corn…it doesn’t matter ‘cause it’s better than this shit. I’ve been here three and a half years and all I’ll have to show for it when I graduate is a stupid fucking piece of paper and forty grand in student loans. I’m a philosophy major. What the fuck can I do with a degree in philosophy? That’s right, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Maybe I’ll just find me a sugar mama. Some desperate fifty-year-old divorcee with 10,000 dollars of collagen injections in her face and a miniature poodle named Foofie. I could be a trophy husband. A degree in philosophy would certainly be good for that. I could wow all her billionaire, Yale-educated, blue-blooded friends with my knowledge of Kant and Wittgenstein. Then, after I’ve explained to them the intricacies of Nietszche’s theory of eternal recurrence, they can pat me on the head, hand me a scone, and send me off to the master bedroom to wait for post-supper coitus…God, you’re so much better at this life direction stuff than my guidance counselor. All she said was “Go to college”…
Friedman and Kirsten come barging into the apartment, laughing and fondling each other for a while until they see Jess passed out against Colin’s side.
Friedman [giddily]: What’s up brougham? Looks like somebody had a little too much Jaeger tonight.
Colin [not turning towards Friedman]: Get out.
Friedman: Dude, what the fuck are you talking about?
Colin: Get…out.
Friedman: Hey, this is my apartment too. I don’t have to do shit.
Colin: No, you don’t. You could stay here and when Health Services comes in about ten minutes you can join Jess in the ambulance.
Kirsten: Jess is fine…She’s just a lightweight. [Walking over towards the couch] Come on Jess, let’s go back to my dorm.
Colin: Kirsten, you can come pick her up in the afternoon. Now you two kids run off and do some coke off each others asses, fuck each other in the middle of the academic quad, I really don’t care as long as I don’t see either of your faces for another twelve hours.
Friedman: Man, you’re kinda overreacting to this whole…
Colin: Twelve hours.
Friedman [to Kirsten]: C’mon, lets go back to your room.
Kirsten [to Colin]: Alright you fucking psycho, we’re going. You happy now?
Kirsten and Friedman leave the apartment
Colin: Yeah…I’m ecstatic.
Colin reaches over to the coffee table, grabs his beer, and takes a big gulp. With his other hand he holds Jess’ head to his chest and strokes her hair as the lights fade out.
The End
