I’m re-posting the last lil bits from scene 2, part 1 so that it flows a little bit better.
Scene 2 — Part 2
Friedman: Why do you have to be so confrontational all the time?
Colin: Because you insist on bringing Ugg-boot wearing space cases to the dorm all the time. [to Jess] No offense.
Friedman: [putting ice in the rum and diet coke]: You’re just getting all pissy because for once I’ve found a woman that actually makes me happy and you’re stuck here twiddling your dick.
Colin: That’s some saccharine-covered happiness you got going there Friedman.
Friedman: [walking towards his room]: I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, but I’m pretty sure it’s bullshit, so I’m gonna go check on Kirsten.
[Friedman retreats back into his bedroom]
Colin [to Luke]: Was my line of thought really that hard to follow?
Jess: Their relationship’s saccharine-covered, like the stuff that makes Sweet ‘N Low taste like sugar. So, like Sweet ‘N Low, anything that seems to be real between that guy and my sister is fake.
Luke: Holy Shit! She talks.
Colin: Shut-up douche-bag. She just said something more insightful in five seconds than you’ve said in the three and a half years I’ve known you.
Luke: You’re only saying that because she was talking about something that came out of your ass.
Colin: That may be, but I have more grey matter in my ass than you have in your brain.
Luke: All you’ve got in your ass is brown matter.
Colin: And with that perfectly timed poop joke, the conversation is dead. Jess, come over and pop a squat on the couch. [Jess doesn’t say anything] Come on. You don’t seriously plan on spending the entire night standing by the bar?
Luke: Yeah. Come let Colin get his mack on.
Colin: Get my mack on? I’m not Don “Magic” Juan. I don’t have a ho under each arm and a goblet of cognac in my hand.
Luke: You don’t have to be a pimp to mack.
Colin: Yeah, but you do have to be an unscrupulous ass-clown. Plus, [facing Jess], no offense honey, but you’re jailbait and I wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot pole.
Luke: More like a two-inch pole.
Colin: That was a real zinger there Bruiser. I mean, my ego is so bruised I don’t know if I can ever mack again. [turning back to Jess] And, since my days of macking have come to such a tragic and unceremonious end, would you come have a seat on the couch?
Jess: Okay.
Jess walks from in front of the bar down stage and sits down in the middle of the couch between Colin and Claire. Everyone is silent for a few seconds
Luke: This is kinda gay. Who wants to play a drinking game?
All except Colin and Jess: Me!
Luke: That’s a majority. Now, the beer pong table’s in Friedman’s room and I think we can all agree that no one wants to walk in on whatever they’re doing in there, so we’re gonna play Fuck the Dealer in my room, because I’ve got some Goldshlaeger in there.
Colin: Nothing says class like Cinnamon Schnopps with flecks of gold in it.
Luke: You’re damn right it’s classy, and, it’s gonna get me crunk as hell. So, everybody get off their ass and head to my room. For all the ladies here, I would like to give you a friendly reminder that this event is clothing optional. And, [talking to Tyler] freshman bitch, grab a couple bottles of soda for mixers and the handle of Captain just in case.
All the freshman girls pick up their drinks and follow Luke back towards his room while Tyler shuffles along towards the bar and begins picking up the drinks. Colin and Jess stay seated on the couch. Luke turns back towards the couch.
Luke: C’mon pussies, let’s get moving.
Colin: We’re just going to chill here for a little while.
Luke: Let the girl speak for herself. Jess, you gonna come back here or what?
Jess: In a little bit.
Luke: Okay, but if more than five minutes goes by and you two are still out here I’m going to assume that Colin’s doing terrible things to your young body and I’m going to have to come out here and watch.
Colin: I hate to disappoint, but there will be nothing happening out here to put in your spank bank. So, just head on back and start the drinking without us.
Luke: Alright, but I’ve got my eye on you two.
Colin: That’s a comforting thought.
Luke heads back to his room with all of the freshmen trailing behind him.
Jess: Would you mind getting me another drink?
Colin: No problem, but only under one condition.
Jess: What is it?
Colin: Tell me how old you really are.
Jess: My sister already told you, I’m a senior in high school.
Colin: That’s not an age. It’s a grade. I saw something on 60 minutes about a kid who was so smart that he graduated high school when he was twelve.
Jess: So you’re saying I look like I’m twelve?
Colin: No, I’m saying that your sister’s eighteen and that at the very oldest you could be seventeen, which I highly doubt.
Jess: Why is it so impossible to think I’m seventeen?
Colin: Because that’s not how families work. You never see a mom pop out kids two years in a row. There’s almost always a two-year gap.
Jess: That’s a bunch of crap.
Colin: Is it now? Ok then, imagine you’ve got an infant in the house who cries incessantly, demands 24 hour attention, and allows you to get on average about three hours of sleep a night. On top of that you might be feeling symptoms of post-partum depression, you’re self-conscious about your body because of all the weight you gained during pregnancy, and your nipples are sore because of breast-feeding. Do you think sex would be in the least bit appealing?
Jess: It could be…
Colin: How old are you?
Jess: Fuck! I’m sixteen and I’m a senior because my parents made me skip the fourth grade. Now go get my drink you asshole.
Colin: Yes, ma’am. [Colin walks over to the bar] What were you drinking?
Jess: I was drinking a rum and coke.
Colin: Well, Luke absconded with the rum; is a jack and coke alright?
Jess: That sounds fine.
Colin makes Jess’ drink and picks up another Rolling Rock from the fridge before walking back over to the couch.
Colin [handing Jess her drink]: Why didn’t you dress up like a bucktoothed yokel with your sister and her friends?
Jess: I could ask you the same question.
Colin [opening his beer]: Well then, I’ll answer first. I’m not dressed like a hillbilly because this is my dorm everybody’s chilling in and it is my booze that everybody’s drinking. You’re lucky I’m even wearing pants…What’s your excuse?
Jess: I’m not a giant slut like my sister.
Colin: So much for a night of family bonding.
Jess: You saw her come in here and beeline straight for your friend’s bedroom. It’s been like that ever since she was in eighth grade.
Colin: Why eighth grade?
Jess: That was when she realized that guys would give her things and be at her beck and call if she flaunted her tits at them.
Colin: Tits can have that effect.
Jess: Why is that?
Colin: Why is what?
Jess: Why do breasts have the ability to turn otherwise intelligent men into slobbering idiots?
Colin: I’m a proponent of the “Jerry West Theory.”
Jess: Who’s Jerry West?
Colin: He was a basketball player for the L.A. Lakers in the 70’s and he’s that little silhouette that you see on the NBA logo.
Jess: Okay…continue…
Colin: Guys love sports and in most sports something, usually a ball, bounces. All this bouncing leaves men entranced. They pack 70,000 seat stadiums all across the world every week to watch a ball of one type or another bounce.
Jess: So far you’ve proved that men like things that bounce.
Colin: Stay with me for a moment. Men also love women…well, statistically speaking only 90% of men love women, but there’s always the exception to the rule. So, to recap: men love women and things that bounce. Breasts are things that bounce that are a part of a woman, thus making them incredibly desirable and endowing them with the ability to turn men into total imbeciles.
Jess: That’s your theory? That guys like breasts because they bounce?
Colin: Yes. And why do most guys like bigger breasts?
Jess: Because they weigh more and as a result bounce more.
Colin: It’s that simple. No more Freudian mumbo-jumbo about Oedipal complexes and whatnot.
Jess: You think the concept of an Oedipal complex is mumbo-jumbo?
Colin: Yes, on the basis that my mother is too good-looking for my psyche to bear the idea of an Oedipal complex being real.
Jess: Your mother is that attractive?
Colin: Yes.
Jess: She’s so attractive that the mere idea of a subconscious desire to sleep with her and kill your father has to be denied because it might exist inside your head.
Colin: Stop it. I have no subconscious desire to sleep with my mother, plus my Dad left us when I was a kid so I can’t even find the man, much less kill him.
Jess: Oedipus didn’t set out to find his dad and kill him. He killed him thinking he was just another asshole stranger on the road to Corinth. You could be driving home one day, get rear-ended, and in a fit of road rage beat your dad to death without even knowing it was him.
Colin: While that is remotely possible, I do know what my mom looks like so I can’t go home and accidentally marry her like Oedipus does with Jocasta.
Jess: Well, I don’t know what your mom looks like. Maybe we could split the work 50-50: you accidentally kill your dad and I accidentally marry your mom.
Colin: It doesn’t work like that. You’re not even related to her.
Jess: Well, I could be bribed into marrying her on your behalf.
Colin: Sounds like a deal.
Luke bursts out from his room and quickly adopts a look of disappointment when he sees Colin and Jess simply talking.
Luke: Nothing? Not even a little tonsil hockey?
Colin: Luke, for whatever is left of your dignity, I’m going to act like I didn’t hear you say the phrase “tonsil hockey.”
Luke: Shut up faggot. Now, if you’re not fucking, you’re drinking, and if you’re not drinking you’re a pussy, so get your asses in here.
Colin: Be there in a minute, honey.
Luke flips Colin off and walks back into his room
Colin: You want to see a picture of my mom?
Jess: If you’re that concerned about this Oedipal thing, then I don’t think you should have a picture of her around with you.
Colin [standing up]: It’s beyond my control. [He helps Jess up off the couch]
Jess: How is it beyond your control?
Colin: Her picture is plastered all over the walls of Luke’s room.
Jess: How did he get pictures of your mom?
Colin: He backordered 25 copies of the March 1984 issue of Penthouse online.
Jess: Your mom was in Penthouse?!
Colin: Yeah, but luckily for yours truly Penthouse wasn’t as risqué in the 80’s.
Jess: I’m sorry…I mean, that really sucks.
Colin: A job is a job, right? She teaches kindergarteners now; she worked in porn then. No big deal.
Jess: No big deal?
Colin: It’s taken about ten years for me to delude myself into thinking its no big deal, so let’s just leave it at that and get shit faced.
Jess: Okay.
Colin and Jess walk back into Luke’s room leaving the stage empty. Only voices are heard.
Jess: So, which one is your mom?
Colin: She would be the one covering Luke’s entire back wall.
Luke: Oh man! That shit never gets old…
