Hey Alanis, This is Irony

“I’m a fucking steamroller and I’ll roll over you or anyone else.”

The hubristic vitriol spewed above came from the now former Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer. The comment is indicative of Spitzer’s time both as New York’s Governor and Attorney General. A self-styled hardass, Spitzer acted like the lovechild of John Wayne and Charles Bronson, taking on the corrupt moneybags infesting Wall Street and holding them accountable for all of their ethical missteps. However, the “fucking steamroller” comment also illustrates how drastically misunderstood Spitzer was in the public eye. The man never actually intended to steamroll over anybody, but simply wanted to teach the children of New York how to properly use metaphor. In the same way, Spitzer didn’t want to sleep with women from high-end escort services, but felt that he had to in order to teach New York’s young citizens the meaning of irony.

Identified by Federal Prosecutors as “client 9” in a recently released affidavit, It seems that Spitzer was a regular customer with Emperor’s Club VIP, a very swanky call-girl service who charged their clients up to $1,000 per hour for the pleasure of their beautiful, non-syphilitic women. Most pundits from both sides of the political spectrum have criticized Spitzer for his moral hypocrisy and have prodded him into resigning from his office. These myopic men and women ought to be ashamed for the barrage of false accusation made against Ex-Gov. Spitzer. It takes a man of divine moral character to sacrifice his political career and marriage simply to teach children an important literary device and SAT vocab word.

Spitzer could have simply told young people that a moralistic crusader who builds his political reputation on fighting corruption only to be caught dropping eighty grand on hookers is an ironic figure, but he cares too much about education to do that slipshod a job. No, Eliot Spitzer felt it was incumbent upon him to use himself as an example for the children of his fair state. When he was in the Mayflower Hotel, asking “Kristen” to let him do dangerous and unspeakable deeds with her privates, he was thinking only of the children. Except for when she did that one thing with the hundred dollar bill and the little jar of mixed nuts from the hotel fridge, but the man’s only human.

In committing this brave and noble act, Spitzer has turned himself into a living, breathing public service announcement. He has taught children that monogamy is the only way to live a fulfilling and satisfying existence. I know what you’re thinking and, yes, his wife was in on it. She only looked so glassy-eyed and depressed in Spitzer’s press conference because she had been taking classes at the Actor’s Studio on the sly. The ex-Governor also warned the youth of his state against the dangers of fetishistic sexual practices, explicitly choosing to request terrible deeds like Cleveland Steamers and Cincinnati Bow-Ties from hookers to show just how wrong they were. Granted no specific sexual acts were mentioned in the phone wiretaps, but simply that Spitzer, “would ask [girls] to do things that, like, you might not think were safe.” I am simply assuming Steamers and Bow Ties to be his requests based on the recent outbreak of fecally based, sex crimes in New York City over the past year (This information based on the writer’s ritualistic viewing of Law and Order: SVU marathons on USA, not on factual data).

It is my fervent hope that Eliot Spitzer’s beneficent intentions come to light and that the public recognize his sense of civic duty and his passion for education. If not, it would a tragedy the likes of which have not been seen since Marion Berry’s anti-drug campaign in the mid-nineties. However, the people of Washington D.C. are far more irony-savvy and understood that Berry was smoking crack simply to teach them a lesson in time to come to their senses and re-elect him. God willing, the people of New York will have a similar epiphany.