When John McCain named Sarah Palin as his running mate, the response of the majority of Americans was, “who the hell is Sarah Palin?” This is because, unlike me, most Americans are ignorant swine who don’t keep running tabs on the ever-important world of Alaskan state politics. I was a beat writer for 7 years at an ill-fated Alaskan weekly, The Anchorage Post-Gazette-News-Chronicle and it’s sister paper, Nothing But Snowshoes, which was a tasteful gentleman’s publication showcasing the finest ladies of the great white north. Let me tell you that the public’s lack of knowledge about Governor Palin and the media’s depiction of her as lacking in experience are travesties of immense scope. To rectify these gross misconceptions, I am here to list off the myriad reasons that Sarah Palin is the most highly qualified vice presidential nominee in the modern era.
- A Proven Leader: Sarah Palin was the point guard for the women’s basketball team at Wasilla High School in the Alaskan town of the same name. Her ferocious style of play led her to be nicknamed, “Sarah Barracuda,” which, in the rough and tumble world of the Matanuska-Susitna Borough School District, is saying a lot. As point guard, she led her team’s offensive set plays and was responsible for leading the team’s training program based loosely on the workout montage from Rocky IV.
- A Classy Broad: In 1984, Palin won the Miss Wasilla Beauty Contest and placed 2nd in the Miss Alaska pageant, winning the Miss Congeniality award in the process. Yeah, that’s right. Miss Congeniality. That means Miss “agreeable, suitable, or pleasing in nature or character.” What better way to promote the ideals of modern-day feminism and gender equality than by going along with everything your male superior says in a courteous manner? Also, finishing 2nd in Miss Alaska means a smoking hottie for a VP, which we haven’t had since Dan Quayle. Damn, was that boy dreamy.
- A Commanding Presence: After the Kennedy-Nixon debates were televised nationwide, the presidential race has been as much about poise and composure as policy. Well, Sarah Palin already has her stage chops thanks to her brief stint as a sports broadcaster for Anchorage’s NBC affiliate, KTUU. You think it’s difficult being in a vice presidential debate against Joe Biden in front of millions of Americans? Try reading the prompter for highlights from that afternoon’s Mets-Dodgers spring training game. Do you know how hard it is to just rattle off names like “Orel Hershiser” and “Lenny Dykstra” without tripping over yourself? Leading the Senate should be a cakewalk.
- Experience, Experience, and more Experience: Palin began her by winning a seat on the Wasilla City Council in 1992 and never looked back. By 1996 she was the Mayor of Wasilla. Does it matter that the city of Wasilla only has 7,000 people and that being elected mayor there is equivalent to being the mayor of less than one-eighth of the student body at The Ohio State University? No. No it doesn’t and if your say otherwise you’re a misogynist prick who hates small town America. Palin also served on the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission, and was elected Governor of Alaska in 2006. She’s been governor of the 47th least populous state in the union for one and a half years, which means she’s more than ready to be vice president of America. So what if fellow Republican and Alaskan state senate leader Lyda Green said that, “She’s not prepared to be governor. How can she be prepared to be vice president or president? Look at what she’s done to this state. What would she do to the nation?” That bitch is just jealous.
Now, I hope it is obvious that Sarah Palin is as qualified a vice presidential nominee as you could ask for. And with a 72-year old man with an 800-page medical record vying for the presidency, having an experienced second-in-command to take the reins if he were to fall ill or pass away isn’t terribly important. Besides, Palin is a total MILF. I mean, you could totally bounce a quarter off that ass, which is the main quality I look for first in a vice president. That’s why I voted Nixon/Agnew in ’68.





